Episode 8- Local Post East End Eatery: 8.0
Venturing out onto the banks of the Ohio River, we tackle one of our member's favorite burgers in Cincy to find out just how good a smashburger can be...
Let’s talk about favorites.
Currently, my kids’ favorite movie is… you guessed it: Encanto. So I wake up humming “We Don’t Talk About Bruno” (NO! NO! NO!) and go to sleep singing “Dos Oroguitas” (high school Spanish class for the win).
However, MY favorite Disney movie: Aladdin (Robin Williams was a comedic genius, and “I Can Show You the World” will sweep even a middle school boy off his feet).
Favorite drama: Braveheart (An epic story of courage and sacrifice. Now I didn’t say it was my favorite historical documentary…)
Favorite series: Band of Brothers (Fascinating. Compelling. Likely more historically accurate…)
Favorite book: Lord of the Rings (I’ve read it so many times - mythology at its best)
Once you have identified something as your favorite, you tend to view it through rose-colored glasses. Because I love Lord of the Rings, anything even obliquely related to it gets more grace. Peter Jackson’s movie series is masterfully done. I love what he did, for instance, with Gollum’s character. Andy Serkis captured his divided soul perfectly.
While I might complain about what Peter Jackson did poorly, I overlook it more than I would otherwise (Seriously, how many endings did the guy think one movie could have?!). Unless Bezos totally mangles the heart of the source material, I’m going to watch the new Lord of the Rings miniseries on Amazon Prime and ultimately enjoy it.
When something is your favorite, it can be hard to know how accurately you perceive it. (If I said my favorite song was Smash Mouth’s “All Star” — it’s ok for you to punch me in the face to help me see straight again)
That is why the Burger Boys (#boyswithbuns) are here to help their member Mike understand if his favorite burger joint, Local Post, is all he believes it to be. Oh look, there’s Mike now:
Tucked underneath the Ault Park overlook along the Ohio River, Local Post East End Eatery occupies an old renovated post office. (Two things I like about their name: 1) the optimism assuming they will open at least one more location in the West End; 2) the pessimism that people won’t know from the name what to do here… “But what if they come to send a letter?” “Why would anyone send a letter?” “What if they were in a coma since 1975?” “I know, we’ll call it an “Eatery!” “Brilliant!”).
The Restaurant Picker for the week, Mike, directed us to this allegedly award-winning burger joint (I say allegedly because after three minutes of googling, I couldn’t find what award they won. Yes, I only was willing to dedicate three minutes to the effort. I’m a burger enthusiast — not a journalist). He has lauded this location as having his favorite burger in Cincinnati, so we were eager to see how it stacks up to the competition.
When we arrived, Mike came in sin Cincy Burger Club shirt (“sin” is Spanish for “without”; Encanto is having far-ranging effects on me). So of course, we sent that man right back home to get his shirt.
Finally, we were all sitting down, with our awesome shirts clearly indicating why we were there. We were immediately informed that Tuesday would be the best day for burger lovers. They have burgers for $8.50. It was Wednesday. We were aghast, appalled that our Picker had led us astray… but NOTE! the Tuesday burger is the 4oz version, whereas the normal burger for $15.25 has two 4oz patties. So you get half the burger for half the price… (Is that really a deal?)
I will say, unlike many other Cincy locations, this place is trying to get you in the door during the week with a few creative deals:
Monday - Kids East Free Pizza with purchase of an adult meal. 1/2 priced wine buckets for the adults. (We won’t discuss the wisdom of attracting adults with their kids and then getting the adults drunk on buckets of wine…)
Tuesday - Burger Day: 4oz version of their signature burgers for only $8.50
Wednesday - $1.50 Wings and $2 off whiskeys
Thursday - $2 off any of signature pizza pies
It was fairly quiet at the restaurant, since we were venturing out in the great Ice Storm of 2022. The dire predictions by the weather service included loss of power, impassable roads, and general destruction and mayhem the likes of which the city has never seen (our weather people are historically bad at predicting things like… you know… the weather… so we weren’t worried). They ended up closing the restaurant early, but that just left more time for Cobra Kai. Local Post communicated early and often the potential for closing early, so we were not put out.
As for burgers, they have four legit burger offerings. (No, I do NOT count Falafel Burgers, and neither should you)
The Standard Mail (a.k.a. the Boring Burger),
East End Burger ("Best on the East End" - likely related to the award they “won”),
The 1788 (I assume named after the year Cincinnati was founded),
And the most expensive, the Royale with Cheese (which doesn’t even come with bacon, as the East End and 1788 do)
Our magnificent server (more to come on that later) graciously stuck with my many questions probing for why the Royale was more expensive than the other burgers when it didn’t have bacon (Answer: cheddar instead of American cheese and focaccia bread for the bun). We all upgraded to the fries from the chips (BEWARE! The up-charge for the fries is hidden in the fine print). And when the burgers came, it was the moment of truth. Either Mike would go down in history as the Picker with the Worst Taste, or we were about to validate his certification as a Cincy Burger Club Taster.
DEEP THOUGHTS
Jack Handey: One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
Ah Jack Handey. I can’t be the only one who appreciates his humor!
Humor often works because you expect one thing, and you get hit from the side with something different. Seinfeld made a whole career out of taking things you never notice and pointing out how peculiar they are.
When you are expecting it, comedy becomes really hard. Similarly, when you are expecting a great burger, that raises the bar and makes it harder for the restaurant. “Say something funny” is the worst thing a comedian can hear. Yet, we came in to the Local Post and said, “Cook us something extraordinary.”
Here’s how our group found the results, presented once again as single-line quotes, in honor of the great Jack Handey:
Mike: Burgers should be smash patties; if something is pink in the middle it should be a steak. That's how I do my meat.
Nick: The focaccia fell apart, but my burger salad was still very tasty.
Josh: A lot of variety with the music - and I haven't heard a single song I haven't liked.
Steve: I didn't love the fries — too much potato.
THE RATINGS
We tried all three of the non-boring burgers:
East End Burger : Two 1/4 pound smash patties, American cheese, bacon, onion, shredded lettuce, tomato, garlic aioli, 16 bricks challah bun, and a fried pickle spear
The 1788: Two 1/4 pound smash patties, bacon, American cheese, onion straws, and posty sauce on a 16 bricks challah bun
Royale with Cheese : Two 1/4 pound smash patties, cheddar cheese, pickles, onion, lettuce, and posty sauce on 16 bricks focaccia bread (bacon added)
Not a lot of variety, but a solid set of offerings. This would also be the first time having focaccia bread as a bun. Let’s get into the numbers…
Meat: 7.8
The burger was a solid smashburger offering. The patties weren’t dried out and were juicy enough and big enough to feel hearty and enjoyable.
I wasn’t swept off my feet by the burger meat itself, but for what it was, they did good. Likely, they are able to create a consistently solid burger experience with the smashburger style, which makes life easier for their chefs. In addition, I suspect they are going heavy on the butter, as any good smashburger should.
Bun: 7.8
The focaccia bread was an interesting option. The first few bites had me as a believer. I was singing its praises. However, the base of the bun quickly fell apart, and my fingers were a mess. I had to move to the fork. Not the recommended burger experience.
However, everyone who had the challah bun was impressed. This was a bun that held up well and perfectly complemented the smashburger. It was almost undersized, which meant the meat could take center stage. You hate to take a bite of a burger to come away with only bun. (It’s like leaning in for the kiss and getting juked for a hug. Embarrassing.) Local Post is investing in its buns by getting them locally from 16 Bricks bakery, and that pays off.
Fixin’s: 8.9
This category’s score is mystifying to me. I agree they had really solid fixin’s all around. However, they were basic. As the lone outlier not living in the 9.0 range, I can understand that they did the basics really well. The lettuce was crisp, the onion straws were superb, the bacon was perfectly prepared (and that is no easy task… many places hide mediocre bacon under that bun). And yes, God intended American cheese to be used on burgers. Not because ‘Merica is better, but that cheese melts so perfectly on a burger (especially a smashburger).
However, they weren’t breaking any new ground. Bacon, cheese, onion straws, even garlic aoili… all of these items are found at the local Applebee’s and Chile’s. I reserve my 9.0 fixin’s score for restaurants that prepare them well AND take risks with the ingredients. I contend this score was arrived by looking through those rose-colored glasses…
Burger (Meat, Bun & Fixin’s): 8.1
However, I cannot argue with the results. Award-winning indeed. That is a great burger, and the score validates it. Mike, you have chosen a respectable burger as your local favorite. My hat goes off to Local Post.
Fries: 8.5
Here we had a bit of a discrepancy amongst the Tasters. These fries are the highest rated fries by Nick and Josh thus far. Now, I love waffle fries and seasoned fries, so, as Steve noted, these fries are perfect for me. However, Steve so far prefers the shoestring fries of the Precinct. Not surprising the Local Post fries are therefore a little too “potatoey” for him. Mike liked these fries, but Karrikin is his top rated fry, and those were classic fresh cut fries, brined in vinegar. Very different. So while this score is strong, be aware these fries are not for everyone.
Environment: 8.2
Check out the cool biergarten seating! Clearly with the rain we did not get to enjoy the full effect of the outdoor environment. On a breezy spring evening, I’ll bet this is a great place to hang out.
However, we all appreciate a cozy, dimly lit bar that plays all the best songs from the 70s, 80s, 90s, and 00s. My particular seat had a strong spotlight blazing in the corner of my vision (ostensibly to illuminate and maybe even heat the prepped food). But no one else had a negative word to say about the environment.
Menu: 6.5
As far as the menu goes, Mr. Rose-colored Glasses *cough* Mike *cough* seemed to think we were practically in heaven, but the rest of us were aware that this place fell a little short of greatness in this category. While their burgers are excellent, they aren’t all that creative. The fact that the fry up-charge was hidden and missed by most of the party was disconcerting. However, they did get a small bump for having a few interesting discount offerings throughout the week.
Value: 6.5
Again, we are either seeing the effects of runaway inflation, or we’re finding restaurants that believe they can overcharge for a burger just because the locals love them. $15 base for this burger is right on. However, the fries should be included. My burger, the Royale, was not worth the price for focaccia bread PLUS bacon PLUS fries. I enjoyed the Royale experience as a one-night affair, but I won’t be going out with it again.
Enjoyment: 9.5
However, we did enjoy Local Post. We will be back, and if Mike has anything to say about it, frequently. Our server was a big factor in our enjoyment level. We floated the idea she might have provided the best service we have had to date. Attentive without being disruptive; inquisitive without being nosy; helpful without being overbearing.
At one point, a member commented his water glass had been empty for a bit. He believes rather than flagging someone down, the server should notice. Not three minutes later the server mentioned as she passed by, “I’m going to come back to fill your water.” Well played.
Rating Guesstimate: 8.4
It’s tough to say exactly why this place scored as well as it did. Looking back, there weren’t any standout elements, or simple tweaks some of the other burger joints could have copied to achieve the overall level of Local Post. Saying those restaurants should deliver a quality burger in an enjoyable way is like saying the Bengals should score more points than the other team to win the game. Thanks, Sherlock.
Our range for this category was from 7.5 to 9.3. Some found it very good, and others found it excellent. If you visit, let us know how you’d rate your experience.
Overall: 8.0
Local Post East End Eatery serves a great smashburger and they know it. Though their price point is a bit high, the overall experience lives up to the hype (and so does its standing as one of our member’s favorite burger in Cincy). Though not everyone has to agree it’s the best, it is certainly a solid contender in the local burger scene. And you can take that to the post office and mail it (I’m sorry. That was bad. I’m trying too hard, aren’t I?).
If you are looking for a local bar or biergarten, and you want a place that does the basics really well (blocking and tackling, baby, blocking and tackling), look no further. Local Post and its local beers serve great burgers, play great music, and up-charge you for great fries (assuming you like, you know, potatoes in your fries).
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