Episode 6- The Gruff: 5.6
Should you go to the popular Northern Kentucky pizza joint to eat a burger?
So the question above is what we are poised to answer. Should you go to this popular neighborhood brick oven pizza place and order a burger?
The question is clearly loaded. It’s ok if you’ve guessed the answer. I might as well have asked: Should you go to your local mechanic to try their heart surgery? What about buying art at the hardware store? Or purchasing a pickup truck from your patisserie? [What’s a patisserie? Let me describe: it is where sugar, butter, and a Parisian baker convene to create heaven on earth. These should be as ubiquitous as Starbucks!]
However, we are not equipped to speak to whether or not you should eat pizza at The Gruff, enjoy a drink at their bar, or buy beer from their market. [They have a remarkable selection of beverages in their market. And there’s a drive-up window!]
Located near the river in Covington, the restaurant borders the residential and commercial area of this often cute town in Northern Kentucky. Opened as a brick oven pizzeria and delicatessen almost seven years ago, the Gruff based its name on the old fairy tale, The Three Billy Goats Gruff [Yes, the tale of three goats who trick a troll by telling him their brother is coming next and has more meat on his bones… Then the last goat is big and — get this — pokes the troll’s eyes out with his horns and crushes him to bits. Thus teaching children to lie and tortuously destroy those smaller than themselves. Ethics!]
What drew our attention to this spot was that, on Cincinnati Burger Week, The Gruff offers a burger. Now here is the problem. Burger Week is so popular in Cincinnati, places that don’t specialize in burgers will offer a $5 burger to get you in the door — attracting those who don’t normally frequent the establishment [Presumably because they serve foreign food, like fancy-shmancy Italian pizza. Fine with me. I eat carbs in whatever form they find themselves: donuts, pasta, croissants, pizza, beignets…].
Some of these Burger Week places are simply good at food. They choose to do tacos, but guess what, they can make a mean burger. Others really shouldn’t draw any attention to their burger. Yes, when you have a restaurant in America you have to offer a burger. Some people only ever order a well done burger. These risk-averse culinary explorers don’t care if it’s good or bad, as long as it’s not surprising [let’s be honest, if you are ordering your burger well done, it is unsurprisingly bad].
Yet not all burgers are created equal. Thus a random group of friends who enjoy burgers and write a blog have an opportunity to test and report back to you which burgers they consider worth trying. [Trying a burger at a pizza place is like traveling to the North Pole and skipping Santa to visit an elf. That’s fine when the elf is Will Ferrel. Any other elf might not be worth the trip. The question is: are we meeting a “Will”-level elf or something… less?]
So which type of place is The Gruff? Well, to answer that question the four of us made the long, arduous trip across the Ohio River. On the journey we hunted for buffalo, lost an oxen, and Steve almost died of dysentery [it wasn’t pretty]. Ultimately, we had to caulk the wagon and float it across. We made it thanks to many childhood years playing the best 8-bit educational video game of all time — The Oregon Trail.
The well-appointed market was closed, but the restaurant was hopping. Unfortunately for us, we managed to arrive on trivia night. It was loud, and people seemed to be having a good time. Even though we sat as far away from the announcer as possible, the volume made it hard to have a conversation. It did not bode well for the burger rating process. [Rather than deliberating the finer points of the meal, we had to communicate with facial expressions and morse code. One 40-year-old member was observed thinking, “Can’t those daggum kids turn down their blasted speakers!?”]
It seems like a cool place. I can imagine living near here and making this a regular spot in a rotation of places to go out. There are apparently some games available to entertain your kids, almost twenty beers on tap, and it is open until 10pm, which in COVID times is forever. [The later closing time is one of the reasons we went there — get those kids to bed and go where they will let you hang out. Surely this place wouldn’t kick you out early, would they? Would they?!]
After sitting down, a weary server approached us, already anxious that his prior table had dined and dashed [luckily they re-appeared after an extended bathroom break]. This poor guy had a long day, and engaging with us was not high on his priority list. There was a good amount of miscommunication around what was wanted. Eventually we figured out they had two burger options, and we ordered two of both. That way we could split them, so we could try each of them. After ordering their fries, tater tots, and pickle fries as well, we realized we were lucky enough to come on discount burger night (burger and select beer for $10). [Surely that would be applied in this case? We ordered burgers and beer! Right? They would honor that? Wouldn’t they?!]
At any rate we got right down to the business of yelling at each other like a Jerry Springer episode so we could hear over the trivia announcements.
Yes, I know. Our middle-age is showing. But gosh darn it, we’re getting out there with the kids and having a good time and trying out some burgers. It’s hard work, but someone’s got to do it!
Let’s be honest. We have no business writing a “Best Nightlife in Cincy” blog or a “Trendy Hotspots in the Queen City” blog or a “Where the Cool Kids Hang Out” blog. Yes, we are ridiculously good looking [according to our mothers] and our dad bods would make Leonardo DiCaprio jealous [we are considering a fitness blog for those not interested in getting fit].
At some point in life you have to choose: will you hone your body or your taste buds? We made our choice. So we’ll stick to the burger. For that, let’s go to our panel of experts.
DEEP THOUGHTS
Jack Handey: Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself. Basically, it's made up of two separate words — "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
It has been brought to my attention that not everyone knows who Jack Handey is. That is an atrocity, a shame… a travesty. Listen up, because I am only going to say this once. If you don’t know the name Jack Handey, you did not watch Saturday Night Live in the 90s. Between ‘91 and ‘98 his one liner quotes were a standard feature of the comedy sketch show. Accompanied by beautiful landscape scenes and meditative music, Handey would read his pithy one-liner quotes. It was always a delight. Even when they weren’t laugh-out-loud funny, they were still enjoyable and revealed an interesting brain often thinking sideways:
And so, in honor of the great Jack Handey, here are the brilliant reflections from the Burger Boys [A couple folks have separately coined this nickname for our little crew, and I’ll be honest, I kinda like it. Sounds like maybe a superhero team. Or a reality TV show. Or third-rate mafia enforcers…]
Nick: This is the first time I've had a burger where the bun was the standout element.
Mike: Getting kicked out before closing time might make me drop their score by a full point.
Josh: I don't like pickles but I like these homemade pickles.
Steve: This ketchup tastes like tomato soup.
THE RATINGS
Somewhat surprised [after the disconnect with our server and a runner bringing us another table’s order], we successfully received four burgers, two Gruff Boys and two Classic Cheeseburgers. The Gruff Boy is a dressed up Frisch’s Big Boy burger with its tartar sauce. The Classic is exactly what you’d expect except for an addition of black pepper aioli.
The Gruff Boy: prime angus beef, housemade tartar sauce, cheddar, arugula & housemade pickles on a brioche bun (Bacon optional)
Classic Cheeseburger: prime angus beef, cheddar, lettuce, tomato, onion, housemade pickles & black pepper aioli on a brioche bun (Bacon optional)
We also ordered one of each type of fried side they had [french, pickles, tots], so we had a solid spread laid out before us.
Meat: 4.7
It looked good. It smelled good. Then we bit into the burger. That meat was not good.
It’s hard to pin down the particular issue with this meat. It was a bit tough, a bit dry, a bit salty, and a lot uninspiring. We had asked if we could request the meat a certain temperature, and we were told they will come out the way they come out. So potentially there are days or chefs who prepare the meat a bit more tender, but not when we were there.
It didn’t look like a mass-produced, over-frozen chunk of meat. But I’ll be honest, it kind of tasted like one. Not that it was terrible — I have certainly tasted much worse burgers. However, the score of 4.7 is an appropriate indication of the below-average taste of that meat [A friend once ordered a “vegetarian” burger at Five Guys, and they received a bun with lettuce and tomato. No meat. No veggie patty. Nothing. I thought to myself, “Self, that is the worst excuse for a burger I’ve seen.” But to be honest, I think that approach might have worked well here because the meat was the only problem with the burger...]
Bun: 8.0
Now here was the pleasant surprise. I had to eat my words about buns that play backup to the main attraction: the meat. Then I met this bun.
It was a beautiful looking bun, but what kind of superficial tasters would we be if we only looked on the outside? No, we have to look on the inside as well. And the inside was light and fluffy.
This bun was appropriately firm on the bottom where needed. Soft on the top, where it should be. Oiled up nice and buttery. Well toasted. Hmmmmm hmm.
I don’t want to go through our journey making too many bun-based jokes, but scroll back up and look at the buns on that…
It must work out.
Fixin’s: 6.4
The toppings on this burger were another pleasant surprise. In the first bite of the burger, the meat dominates your senses. You wonder about all the bad decisions you’ve made. You second guess the wisdom of your choices [unless you are Josh. Fact: Josh always makes good choices.]
Then the second bite — you notice the bun. Suddenly the world turns upside down. Right is left. Top is bottom. Bad is good. You second guess your second guessing.
In that third bite, you start to notice the fixin’s. For those who can stomach pickles [and even those who can’t, except for *cough* Nick *cough* who can’t find joy in anything that combines vinegar and cucumbers], these homemade pickles transport you to a simpler time of grandma’s baking and cozy cabins.
The custom tartar sauce is another delight that hits you out of left field. Then The Gruff follows it up with a roundhouse punch of black pepper aioli sauce. BAM! That stuff is good! Who would have thought?
Burger (Meat, Bun & Fixin’s): 5.9
Clearly this place has the potential to really shine on the food front. I suspect they are popular for good reason — I’m looking forward to trying their pizza. With buns like that, I bet their pizza dough is real nice.
However, it’s all the more a shame that their burger as a whole is dragged down significantly by that meat. I personally will not be ordering that burger ever again. From an opportunity cost standpoint, it simply does not make sense for me to ever eat their burger. If I’m at their restaurant, I’m going to eat their pizza. If I’m going to eat a burger, I’m going somewhere else.
Fries: 7.3
Here again, The Gruff shines with their ability to make some great food.
Some of us loved the tater tots. I personally have trouble differentiating between store bought tots and any other tots. [In fact, I submit that these tots and all tots are the Ore Ida brand you can purchase from Kroger. There are no other tots in existence. They ALL taste EXACTLY the same.]
Some of us loved the pickle fries [these billy goats are really good at pickling]. We all loved their normal fries. They were the skin-on natural tasting simple fries that shine with some good ketchup.
Which is why it was such a shame the ketchup tasted terrible.
Now, if you are into natural-tasting foods [as in you regularly buy stuff from Whole Foods and find yourself exclaiming things like, “The gluten free version is better than the real thing!” or “These kale-based cookies are really tasty!”] you may love their homemade ketchup. I suspect they are just repurposing extra pizza sauce. Not to be harsh, but if the original ketchup recipe had tasted like this, ketchup would not exist on planet earth.
But if you ask, they’ll bring you some packets of real ketchup. So at least there’s that.
Environment: 5.7
Given our lack of interest in trivia, we were unable to fully appreciate how cool this place is. It’s a bit minimalistic in nature, but tastefully done. If we were able to better hear each other for most of our meal we probably would have seen a good bump in the environment score.
While this restaurant wouldn’t necessarily be trendy enough for OTR, I believe it is strongly positioned in Covington. It’s best feature is likely the location and unique offerings relative to the vicinity.
Value: 4.4
At $13.50 for a burger with fries or tots ($15 if you order pickle fries), this place can’t quite justify its price point for the quality of burger. What would have helped is that discount — $10 for burger and a beer. However, when the check came we were told that since we had ordered fries, we didn’t qualify for the discount. What?
In their defense, we did not specify we wanted the burger/beer deal, but if someone comes into your restaurant on the day of a special involving burgers and beer, and they order burgers and beer, you really should go out of your way to qualify when they won’t receive that burger and beer discount. [Also, if you are expecting people to order a burger without fries, you should stop offering a burger and, in fact, best to get out of food service entirely.]
Enjoyment: 3.6
This is a dismal score for enjoyment. It reflects multiple items I’ve already specified [loud trivia, poor service, no discount, bad meat] but there was one final coup de grâce.
We enjoy hanging out together and specifically chose The Gruff because they were open until 10pm. So imagine our surprise when, at 9:55pm, with trivia over and normal conversation possible, chairs are getting stacked, the broom is out, and our server comes over to ask if we’re going to make him stay any longer.
Whew — I get it man. You are tired and ready to go home. Everyone in the service industry is overworked with the labor shortage. And yet, nobody wants to feel like an imposition. [Sure, when hosting a party I prevent people from having seconds and kick them out when the sun goes down… just kidding! If I did that no one would return.] I’d much rather go somewhere excited to have me. There are simply too many places with a high level of service.
Rating Guesstimate: 4.6
This score is more a reflection of our particular night. We left with a bad taste in our mouths, both literally and figuratively. I don’t recommend you let this fully sway your perspective on The Gruff as a restaurant, or on the potential you might have to really enjoy yourself there. This is but one data point, and while The Gruff can’t please all of the people all of the time, that doesn’t mean it can’t please you when you visit.
However, for the burger lovers out there who want to know, we want to be honest. Keep in mind we are just four young men relating their experience having a burger on one night [Look, young is relative… relative to the age of the universe or Tom Brady’s football career we are pretty young…].
Overall: 5.6
The Gruff has a lot going for it as a pretty cool restaurant in Covington with some standout food items and a large selection of drinks. However, their burger patty leaves a lot to be desired and your enjoyment level may heavily depend on your tolerance for trivia or tired servers.
If you are one of those people who orders a well done burger wherever you go, you are already desensitized to terrible burger patties, so you will likely be blown away by their burger’s excellent bun and fixin’s!
Still, my recommendation: try their pizza.
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