Episode 10- The Turf Club: 8.1
Sitting atop the Cincinnati burger scene, this king of local burger joints could drown in its own excess or soar with its creativity...
There is a time and a place for excess.
I think it is fair to say we all enjoy throwing caution, moderation, and good sense to the wind and simply indulging up to our elbows in something decadent.
For you it might be Las Vegas. The big casinos, glowing fountains, and shows featuring all the popular (and maybe a little washed up) acts from when you were a kid. (The city of lights too dim to see the city, because, honestly, you don’t want to…):
Perhaps you like going to KISS concerts (the rebellious panda bears of the 70s. And yes, they are still touring!):
Or maybe, once a year, you “Treat Yo Self!”
For me, I indulge in excess in three main areas.
Travel (my family loves to go places. If we aren’t on a trip, we’re planning a trip.)
Breakfast Cereals (it’s not vacation without lots of sugar: Fruit Loops with marshmallows; Lucky Charms with Rice Crispy Treats — that’s right, instead of the normal cat food filler. Did you know they even offered that!?)
Burgers (you saw that coming)
If you are in the Cincinnati area and are up for a little beefy excess, the Turf Club is calling your name. Maybe you heard of its fame as one of the perennially top-rated burgers in Cincinnati. You said to yourself, “Self, (because that is what you call yourself) let’s give this regionally-renowned restaurant a chance.” So you head over.
When you get off Columbia Parkway in Linwood and roll up to the Turf Club, you then wonder, “Self, what have I gotten us into?”
Featured on Diners, Drive-ins and Dives, The Turf Club certainly fits that bill. This unique, quirky burger joint holds a couple interesting distinctions:
There are 20+ Tasmanian Devils and Mickey Mouse characters all over the walls.
There isn’t a single light bulb in the dining area — the whole thing is lit by neon signs.
Originally named “Terry’s Turf Club” after the owner Terry Carter, the popular restaurant found its owner embroiled in a social media and legal scandal regarding his behavior. Rumors abound, and the restaurant closed down.
Thankfully, two brothers bought the restaurant in 2019 and (one assumes since neither are named Terry, and, you know, the scandal) rebranded to simply, “The Turf Club”.
The Turf Club has kept many of its endearing features. The eclectic vibe is complemented by the paper plates, flimsy menus, and cramped quarters. There are more toppings and high-end cheese options available here than at any restaurant I’ve patronized. And the burgers are still massive hunks of meat topped with whatever your heart may desire (I believe even unicorns and rainbows have been included as toppings).
To rate this iconic location, we knew we needed backup. So we enlisted two additional Guest Tasters, Phil and Sean.
Which are the two guests? Hard to say, isn’t it. Because one of the members — MIKE — once again left his shirt at home (he’s the one in the front left who may or may not use Touch o’ Grey on his beard to appear distinguished… that’s two strikes now MIKE).
Ordering is an adventure. They’ve got a list of pre-packaged burger creations, including a few designed by the staff. But the real fun is trying to understand the toppings and how they would work together on a custom-crafted burger (can Onion Infused Cheddar, Shiitake Mushrooms, Creme Fraiche, and Mango Curry Sauce complement each other?)
Luckily with 6 of us, we were able to cover more ground and ensure that you, the reader, have an expansive a view of The Turf Club (because six middle-aged dudes are certainly capable of capturing the full range of experiences possible… right?)
So let’s go to our Certified Burger Tasters and Guest Tasters to get a sense of whether or not the Turf Club lives up to the hype.
DEEP THOUGHTS
Jack Handey: Sometimes I just feel like curling up on the floor in front of the fireplace, and just rolling around the room, like a tumbleweed, and not even caring if I knock things over, or break them. And if people get mad, maybe because it's their house or something, you can just shake your head and go, "What happened?"
There’s a lot one can say about The Turf Club. But we’re not going to let our Tasters say a lot. They only get one line, in honor of the great philosopher-turned-comedian Jack Handey and his Deep Thoughts.
Nick: I love this place and the big, juicy patty… so much to choose from.
Mike: This is the most seasoned burger I've had. In a good way.
Josh: I went to the bathroom and used soap on my beard.
Phil: Your scoring system is mathematically ridiculous.
Sean: You can't be a regular here. It's just too much.
Steve: This is the most outrageous thing I've ever seen. We need 600 more napkins.
Let’s see how the experience stacked up. To the numbers!
THE RATINGS
So the first decision you have to make at The Turf Club is whether to go with the standard beef burger or the Filet Mignon burger. However, this isn’t a real question. The Filet Mignon is not fatty enough to create a juicy burger, so don’t even consider it.
Then you must decide to go with one of their pre-designed burgers or choose-your-own-adventure.
Mike went with the Fieri: grilled onions, Swiss cheese and burgundy wine sauce (ordered by Guy Fieri himself when his show visited)
Sean went with the Mexican: Pepper Jack cheese with chorizo sauce, an avocado, and jalapeño peppers
Phil created a burger with pineapple, grilled jalapeños, and pepper-jack cheese
Nick created a burger with Halloumi cheese (why not? never heard of it before!), roasted red peppers, avocado, bacon, and mango curry sauce
Steve created a burger with onion-infused cheddar, grilled onions, bacon, and ranch on the side
Josh created a burger with bacon, roasted red peppers, and an egg
After using a hydraulic press to compress our burgers enough to fit it into a human mouth hole, we got to it.
Meat: 8.0
This is where many of us saw Terry’s shine. Even when you pile random and exotic fixin’s on your burger, the patty is so thick and juicy, the meat remains center stage. Medium rare is certainly medium rare here, so order appropriately. The meat also features a strong seasoning (but in a good way, like Nicolas Cage in the Rock, not Nicolas Cage in Ghost Rider).
Bun: 6.7
Don’t get me wrong, this is a tasty bun. Toasted, buttery, and light. However, it is not a particularly durable bun. When you have an extremely juicy burger with more toppings than should realistically be on a burger (I know, not technically The Turf Club’s fault… I did design my own monstrosity…), you need strong buns. Firm buns. Buns of steel.
The base of the bun is especially important, where your thumbs put distinct points of pressure on the whole assembly as you attempt to bite. At that critical intersection, my burger fell apart. Thus dropping the score a bit. See for yourself:
Fixin’s: 9.1
From the sheer number of options you can select to the creativity of those individual items, The Turf Club is a standout performer in the fixin’s category. My bacon was delicious, the cheeses were interesting, and the side sauces were a smash hit.
Each burger on the table was unique (and not in a lame “Oh look, I added BBQ sauce!” kind of way… for real unique). I certainly haven’t had the same burger twice. Each time I go I want to try something I’ve never had on a burger before. That’s what I call an adventure.
Burger (Meat, Bun & Fixin’s): 8.4
This is one of the highest rankings for a burger we have seen. But it must be stated, none of us are planning our next trip back anytime soon. It’s like Disney World in that way. A trip can be enjoyable and memorable, and still you might swear never to return. For myself, I look forward to returning every year (you may know Disney people like that too…), but not more frequently.
One of the areas of excess that stood out, obviously, was in the number of fixin’s. Now, in fairness, we had a good debate on how many toppings are too many. The reality is we chose our own adventure and had to live with the consequences. You could buy just the base burger for $11, and that would have been a sizable but manageable burger.
Final point: we brought our Guest Tasters in for a reason. The Turf Club is not for everyone, and one of our Guest Tasters rated the burger a full point and a half lower than anyone else (he happens to have an advanced degree, proving he is not simply wrong in the head). His rating was still in the “Good” range (6+), but not in the "“Great” range (8+) where almost everyone else was. All that to say, if you try it and don’t love it, you are not alone.
Fries: 7.8
Keeping with their efforts to be creative, The Turf Club offers normal fries, but they also offer fries with duck fat and tempura battered onion rings. I could taste the difference of the duck fat fries, and enjoyed them, but overall to me these were “good-not-great” fries. However, those who delighted in the onion rings brought up this score, as those delectably fried circles of goodness were widely celebrated around the table.
Environment: 7.8
I love going to the Turf Club. It’s quirky without being pretentious. Too authentic to be hipster, but too oddball to be mainstream. I find the place endearing. It’s a diner. A dive. And it glories in being what it is without worrying about what it is not.
Quick shout-out to our wonderful server who made room for six people in a dining room apparently unintended to accommodate more than 4 people. (If you bring little kids, do not expect them to have a high chair. So maybe don’t bring little kids.)
Creativity: 9.7
The menu is easily one of the most creative you’ll find, and not just in Cincinnati. The original owner loved travel and loved food. On trips he would stumble across some interesting food item, and upon returning to his restaurant he would slap it on the menu (apparently without any thought as to whether or not it belonged on a burger, but that is beside the point).
Interestingly, there are 13 cheese options, 13 specialty toppings, and 13 specialty sauces. (Weird, right? Don’t know. Didn’t ask.) That is a lot of options. There are literally thousands of ways to combine them to make your own unique burger.
What I love about The Turf Club is that here you are a creator of art and not merely a consumer of art (see what I did there?). You can design your own masterpiece. If your creation achieves a level of transcendence, you may even find it on the menu named after you!
Value: 5.7
This was a rough category for The Turf Club. It also feeds into our narrative of the perils of excess. By piling on your premium toppings, you also dramatically increase your cost. That makes stomaching the price point as big an ask as stomaching the monstrous burger you fashioned.
While not everyone will love the world of excess that is a Turf Club burger. Keep in mind, for $11, the base burger is relatively inexpensive. So in some ways the value you’ll find at The Turf Club is truly up to you.
Enjoyment: 8.4
As with any trip to Vegas, Disney, or to see KISS (I assume…), a little excess every now and then can be a lot of fun. We had a good time, we had a great server, and the tight quarters brought us together and brought a good energy to the proceedings.
Rating Guesstimate: 7.7
Overall we expected the rating to be really good but maybe not great. Each of us had a few items we didn’t love. Yet others often loved those elements, bringing up that score. At The Turf Club, the total is more than the sum of its parts, and ultimately it outperformed even our own expectations.
Overall: 8.1
The Turf Club cares about premium ingredients, creative combinations, and a fun, quirky environment. You can easily cram too many excellent toppings onto their over-sized burgers, creating an excessive experience that might not be for everyone. Yet if you love the art of the burger, The Turf Club is unique and memorable enough to be worth the trip.
And if you need any ideas for how to construct your burger, my rule of thumb is, “If you’ve never heard of it before, you should give it a try!”
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