Episode 3- Gas Light Cafe: 4.1
A Tale of Two Cafes: The Cincy Burger Club takes on a perennial contender in the rankings of the "Best Burger in Cincinnati"
A Tale of Two Cafes
BY
The Cincy Burger Club
Illustrated by F. H. Townsend
BOOK THE FIRST: THE GAS LIGHT CAFE
It was the best of bars, it was the worst of burgers.
THE END.
If you have spent any time browsing the Google Machine for Cincinnati’s best burgers, you have come across the Gas Light Cafe. Maybe you saw it here, here, here, here, here, or here… EVERYWHERE!
Have I made my point? People seem to love this burger.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE! I MEAN @$%&#@ ##@ $%$ #%$%!!!! HAVE THEY EVEN TRIED THAT BURGER! THERE IS NO WAY WE ARE EATING THE SAME BURGER!
I’m sorry for yelling.
I have said it before, and I will say it again. For some unknown reason, and despite having so much going for them, Cincinnati loves things that do not get any love outside of Cincinnati: Skyline Chile; Grippo’s Chips; La Rosa’s Pizza; Frisch’s Big Boy; The Bengals…
So it only makes sense that in Cincinnati, best-of-burger “connoisseurs” somehow place, in a prime location, a burger of such rotten putrescence (hyperbole) that any self-respecting burger enthusiast must simply stare in slack-jawed astonishment at the sheer naïveté or willing self-deception involved in a fallacy of such magnitude.
We’ll get to the burger itself in fair time. But, and here’s the thing, that doesn’t mean The Gas Light Cafe should be written off entirely.
Stay with me here — if I asked whether you liked the 2006 Casino Royale movie starring Daniel Craig as James Bond, would you answer (as I would), “Yes, I liked the first movie”? Then you have answered correctly! (Not unlike people who answer that toilet paper was intended to roll “over” and that “gif” has a hard “g”)
You see, there are two movies in Casino Royale. The first has an interesting casino-based Gambler plot where Bond wins the Big Game, gets the Girl and rides off into the Sunset (in a boat, not on a horse, which is fine because I don’t really see Bond on a horse). Then for some reason the film keeps rolling and the girl turns out to have been using Bond all along and betrayal and there’s some more plot or something and then I forget and who cares and WHY IS THIS MOVIE STILL GOING.
The Gas Light Cafe was like that, but in reverse. We went there for a burger, and, while I want to tell you about the burger, I don’t want to relive anything about that burger.
However, we settled up our tab, we were about to leave, and then… we stayed. We hung out and talked, had another round of drinks, and thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. It’s a great community bar, open late, and we closed it down.
It was one trip, but two visits. We went to a burger joint and had a terrible experience. But we stayed at a local bar and had a great time.
Now, let’s quickly address one of the finer points of the lexicological debate here. What, pray tell, is a “Cafe”? One of our members *cough* Steve *cough* was SUPER hung up on the fact that this establishment is called a cafe, but it does not have a signature coffee service, does not offer danishes or pastries of any kind, has no clear connection to France, and is, in fact, a bar!
If you can’t stand those who play fast and loose with words and definitions and meaning and truth, you also may want to avoid the head-spinning inconsistency found at the bar which styles itself as The Gas Light Cafe. (For some reason this member did not take issue with the fact that all the lighting inside this place was electric…)
However, if you have the testicular fortitude to enter such a misclassified joint, once you get into the dining room, you walk by the folding table draped with a cloth, attempting to look like a permanent fixture. You seat yourself into a snug little booth (Or you can saddle up to the bar if you are the type of person who saddles, in which case the bar is for you). It won’t be long before your server comes.
(Feel free to get artistic with your camera while you are waiting, as we did.)
The music is eclectic, ranging from hip hop to Scottish dirges to 80’s pop classics (is it too much to ask for thematic consistency people? I suppose it is, at least from a bar that calls itself a cafe). And when that passing server tosses you a few scraps of paper, you would be excused for wondering why your table is being treated as a trash can. Then you realize the bi-fold piece of white 20lb copy paper (which was likely just pulled off the printer in the back) is actually your menu. Quality is not this eatery’s middle name.
There are a handful of burgers to choose from, including a patty melt. But you were lured here by all those online publications purporting to know the best burgers, and they told you to eat the Gas Light Burger. Oh! Look here! It comes with deluxe toppings! What, might you ask, is deluxe about lettuce, tomato, onion, mayo, and mustard? That is a mystery for the ages. But order it you will.
You’ll receive a side of chips with your burger, but you are a ‘Merican, and in ‘Merica you get burgers with fries. Because you are a glutton for punishment, you order the crinkle cut fries. (Seriously, is the whole world giving up? Should we just lie awake on our couch at 3am with donut crumbs on our shirt watching Shopping Network reruns?) But you aren’t an idiot and also order the waffle fries and/or onion rings.
As you settle in with your craft beer (Or your Bud. This place feels right for a Bud), you await your meal, you look around and wonder, “Have I eaten a burger at this bar before?” The answer is no, but after your meal, the answer may be, "Never again.”
My problem is not that a bar serves a poor excuse for a burger. Lots of bars serve bad burgers, and The Gas Light Cafe is in good company in that respect. It’s that in Cincinnati, a town which has plenty of great burgers, people insist on believing that what is in fact a terrible burger is one of their best burgers. Mystifying.
Maybe Cincinnatians believe a burger’s value goes well beyond the food. Maybe the establishment is the biggest factor. As we continue to explore the great burger joints in this city, we will endeavor to discover just what makes the Queen City so unique. Maybe we will come to understand why so many rate this burger so highly…
I’ll let the panel of judges share their thoughts.
DEEP THOUGHTS
Jack Handey: If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't think it necessarily means you're a hard worker. It may just mean that you have a lot to learn about proper hammer maintenance.
Now it’s time for your one-liner highlight quote from each member. In honor of the classic “Deep Thoughts” by Jack Handey:
Mike: Isn't this just like cafeteria food?
Nick: I have been waiting so long to talk about how bad this place is. It is one of the most overrated burgers in Cincinnati.
Josh: The size of the booth is growing on me. With how loud it is, the intimate booth size feels right.
Steve: I guess if I was literally starving, I'd eat a burger here. This place is very forgettable.
Bonus quote:
Mike: What drives a restaurant to put a Hepatitis A poster up besides the mirror in the men’s room? That’s a question I don’t want the answer to…
Bonus Bonus quote from the next day:
Mike: I still don’t feel right after eating that “burger”.
THE RATINGS
I suspect you can see where this is going.
We sampled two burger styles between the four of us. Two of us had the “Gas Light Burger,” which was a 1/2 lb patty and those Deluxe toppings. The other two had the Special which was a Patty Melt on Rye bread with grilled onions, Swiss & American cheese, and a side of fries.
We also got three baskets of sides, the crinkle cut fries (blech), onion rings, and waffle fries.
This time around we decided to do the rating guesstimate at the end, as a way to weight the score in the general direction the rater desired, without pegging the ratings too early in the session.
Meat: 3.0
There are no two ways about it. This was a terrible patty. For the first time in our journey, we had to determine the bottom of the scale. What is a 1 out of 10? White Castle? Charcoal Brick? Cow Pie?
We decided a 1 out of 10 is the worst burger patty you have ever had.
For me, that was on vacation in Switzerland at Piz Gloria, the mountaintop resort where Bond’s “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service” was filmed on top of the Schilthorn summit in the Alps. It was called the 007 Bond Burger (no I didn’t intentionally theme this review with Bond, it just happened naturally):
Look close. Closer. No, your eyes do not deceive you. What is peaking out of that bun in no way resembles a burger patty and is in fact a gelatinous disc covered in meat-colored rubber. Inside is the texture and consistency of a soft salted gummy bear, and the outside is reminiscent of something akin to shoe leather. As you bit into the tough exterior and it suddenly gave way, and your teeth sunk into the jello-like center, you realize, “I have made a horrible error.” I don’t believe anyone swallowed even one bite of that monstrosity. Please. For the love of all that is holy, do not entrust your burger experience to the Swiss, no matter how cool the bun may appear.
Back to the matter at hand, the question for me is, how close to the 007 Bond Burger did the Gas Light patty fall? Answer: pretty darn close.
The meat was tough, dramatically overcooked, dry, over-spiced but somehow not in any way tasty, and for those of us who had the special, it was soooooo salty. Such a disgrace. Nobody ate every bite—burger remnants strewed the battlefield. One of us gave up halfway through the special because it was simply not worth it.
Bun: 4.2
It’s terrible that a bun score this low can seem like a decent tally just because the meat scored so poorly. The rye bread wasn’t terrible, but why rye bread? Why not something—you know—good?
The bun on the Gas Light burger was crusty, forgettable and way too big and chewy for the burger. It must have been trying to smother your taste buds so you didn’t have to experience the patty.
As I’m writing this I can’t believe we gave it this high of a number. I’m embarrassed for us. What kind of standards do we have?
Fixin’s: 4.4
Two of us had the pleasure of sampling the “Deluxe Toppings” (“Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it Deluxe, I will. I’ve got spare time.” -Tommy Boy). And all I can say about those toppings is that they were there. Probably.
The Special seemed like a great experience. At first bite. But then as time went on, what seemed to work started to fall apart.
I think it’s like RC Cola. RC Cola always wins in taste tests, because when you drink a sip of it, it tastes better than Coca Cola. However, that’s because it is sweeter. When you are drinking a whole glass, it’s too much. People then prefer Coke. Whatever was going on with that patty melt was good at first but became too much far too fast.
The two cheeses didn’t play well together. The rye bread got old quick. And everything was as salty as the Dead Sea. It felt like dragging your tongue through a Sahara of salt. And then after coming out the other side, you had to go back through it again. And again.
I wish I could say the chef was having an off day, but this is my second time eating their burger and my experience has been consistent.
Fries: 4.4
This is an easy one people!
Don’t. Ever. Serve. Crinkle. Cut. Fries.
Here is a political movement we can all get behind. We’ve needed something to unite this country for so long, and I believe I’ve found the solution. Red. Blue. Urban. Rural. Rich. Poor. Let’s come together and make a change, for once in my life. It’s gonna feel real good. Gonna make a difference. Gonna make it riiighiiighiight.
The onion rings were fine. They were onions. Shaped like rings. Fried.
The waffle fries were better, but as I retreated to them for solace amidst a terrifying array of food options, I realized they were middling waffle fries at best. I felt… betrayed.
Opportunity squandered.
Environment: 6.1
See. I’m telling you it is an above average bar. Of all the bars in all the towns in all the world, why NOT go to this one?
It’s a neighborhood bar, so the two drunk guys dancing to that 80’s tune you can’t quite place is part of its charm. Small pictures all over the wall you’re not supposed to notice. A few tchotchkes and knickknacks strewn about. TVs playing the sportsball games. And your neighbors hanging out and having a good time.
It didn’t take long for us to feel at home. I’d go back for a drink with you, if you want.
Especially if you’re paying.
Menu: 3.6
At the end of the day, our burger joints can’t phone it in. The options presented to us were not compelling and they were presented in the least compelling way I have seen. My pre-K kid has done art projects with more style and class than that menu.
They did offer an egg for your burger. HARD BOILED. What? Why? What What? Why? What? Why?
Maybe there is a market out there that gets excited for mediocre burgers and patty melts on rye. But that market is not in the Cincy Burger Club.
Value: 2.9
Why waste your money, hard-earned or given to you as part of a COVID bailout, on this detritus? You are throwing away money at this point.
You can walk out the door of the Gas Light Cafe and down the street you can see three meals of a vastly higher value right in front of you. Goodfellas, Nine Giant (review to come), and Revolution Rotisserie. Go there. Eat your food. Then come back and join me for a drink.
Enjoyment: 5.2
In the war of burger vs. bar, you can see the bar experience pulled up our enjoyment average. We sincerely had a good time, and not just by trashing the burger. The place facilitated fun, and isn’t that what we want from our restaurants?
I’d also like to give a shout out to our server. Coming from the Precinct, we were not prepared for the casual, offhanded, almost dismissive demeanor of our server. But, as Josh pointed out, it wasn’t long until we realized this server really brought something to the table (I know—it was a magnificent pun!).
He hit the beer recommendations perfectly. He was efficient and surprisingly attentive. We never wondered where he was, because when we needed something, he was there. No, he wouldn’t be hired by The Precinct, but I would imagine a number of folks come back to the Gas Light because they are well cared for by someone who doesn’t seem to care well (and isn’t that what so many of us have strived for over the years — it’s like high school dating, hipsters, or frat guys).
Rating Guesstimate: 3.6
This is what the burger experience would be rated if we were focused solely on the burger itself. Actually, this would be a bit high. That burger was terrible. I say 2.8.
But in this remake of the classic by Charles Dickens, only one city deserves this low of a score. The other city, excuse me—cafe—was good. So though we thought our score would be lower than it was, our enjoyment and the environment brought up the Overall rating.
One member *cough* Steve *cough* actually hit his Ranking guesstimate right on, leading to calls for an investigation into doping or illegal calculator usage (One of the servers caught him trying to smuggle a TI82 into the restaurant). However, that member also ranked the whole experience the lowest of us all.
In sum, we don’t expect to recommend this burger to anyone. Ever.
Overall: 4.1
There are apparently rabid Gas Light Cafe burger fans out there who may be ready to send us death threats. Please don’t. You are entitled to your opinion as well, and there are plenty of people out there who agree with you (check out Yelp: 4 out of 5 stars), so go get a burger with them and talk about how bad we are.
Now, I have given some thought to how I would feel if I was the proprietor of this family-owned business and this review came out about my establishment:
I would be hurt, and angry, and… and hurt
I would be defensive: What do you know! Look at Yelp! Many people love our burger! (To which one could reply: if you are comfortable stealing the money off of poor saps who don’t know better, then you came to the right city…)
I would step back, visit the other places reviewed, and compare and contrast. Maybe I would learn something and improve my burger experience. Maybe it is time to try something new.
Or maybe I’d decide I like my burger they way it is and will keep doing it. If it ain’t broke (to me and the people who buy my food) why fix it?
That’s a fair place to land. Taste is subjective. We are only 4 people after all. Granted we are four burger enthusiasts with a lot of experience and an industry respected Burger Tasing Certification from the Harvard Culinary School (Not really. There’s no such thing. Wait, is there?)
But if you are willing to take some constructive advice: do me a favor, The Gas Light Cafe Bar. Drop the burger facade. Stick to what you do best, and be the neighborhood bar we all need you to be. Or at least stop serving crinkle cut fries. For the love…
More about The Gas Light Cafe:
Amazing review. I know what to order (beer) and not (burger, crinkle fries) now. Thank you, again, for your service!