Episode 2- The Precinct: 8.5

Here's one for you- Four guys in matching t-shirts walk into a swanky bar...

*Ding Ding Ding!* Round Two…

What do National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, The Dark Night, Shrek 2, and the Cincy Burger Club all have in common? In each case the sequel was better than original! (Yes, Terminator 2 belongs in that list. But so does Hot Shots, Part Deux: “These men have taken a supreme vow of celibacy, like their fathers, and their fathers before them”).

I digress. For our second burger outing, our “elder statesman” of the group chose Jeff Ruby’s The Precinct. I know! It has been named one of America's Top 10 Steakhouses by USA Today. It is also the longest running white tablecloth service in the city. Opened in 1981 in a retired Police Patrol House, this restaurant is exactly as old as our Club’s members (Insert joke here about Jeff Ruby starting to perfect steaks while the members were perfecting poopy diapers).

Though not traditionally considered a “burger joint”, The Precinct has a well established burger many consider to be top notch. You didn’t know they had a burger? Easy to miss. You have to look under the $116 Filet/Lobster combo to spot the $22 burger. Yes. You heard me right. Twenty-two freakin’ dollars!

I know what you are thinking - “Aren’t you afraid of peaking too early?” (Fair point). No. We have faith Cincinnati has many more great burgers to offer. (And we needed to knock this off the list before our burger budget raises spousal eyebrows!)

So, boldly we put on our new matching T-shirts and strutted right in. Well, one of us did. The other three tried to hide the t-shirts under flannels and coats. One member *cough* Josh *cough* zipped his jacket up “higher than an Antonio Banderas turtle neck” (Quote courtesy of Steve). It is understandable that we were a little nervous to parade around in t-shirts. This fair establishment has been patronized by everyone from Arnold Schwarzenegger to Billy Joel. However, we should not have worried — the shirts were (spoiler alert) quite a hit.

Speaking of Billy Joel, this was also our first tasting to include a Guest Taster, and a celebrity one at that. Ted Lasso graciously joined us. When he heard what we were doing, he called us up and asked, “Can I join you? Burgers are the best. They’re kinda like seeing Billy Joel perform live. Never disappoints.”

Alright. Fine. Not a perfect resemblance. But it was Halloween week. (What did you sacrifice for your Halloween costume, huh? If it was hard to replace—like a beard—I’ll bet you wore that costume as much as possible, didn’t you?)

As I was saying, this place was nice. The official dining room is intimate and a touch too romantic for our purposes. So we passed right on by and went up to the bar. Only to go right back down to the host because all the tables were reserved in the bar even on a Wednesday night at 8:45pm. The booths were totally booked, and all we could hope for was a high-top table when one opened up. This place has stood the test of time, and demand is as strong as ever! Look at that bar one more time:

This place smells like rich mahogany.

After getting on the list, we waited at the bar. Ted tried to chat up the bartender as we ordered drinks: “Our goal is to go out like Willie Nelson—on a high!”

Then we found out what kind of service a $15 Old Fashioned gets you when the bar tender helped clean off a table so we could get seated. (Or maybe Ted’s ‘stache was freaking her out? We may never know…)

When the server started passing out the dinner menus, we told her to take them right back. There’s only one burger on this menu, so we were all set. In no time, we were chowing down.

Let’s turn to our panel of experts to see what they had to say.

DEEP THOUGHTS

Ted Lasso: I always figured that tea was just gonna taste like hot brown water. And you know what? I was right. It’s horrible. No, thank you.

This episode’s Deep Thoughts is brought to you by Ted Lasso, providing your one-liner highlight quote from each member.

Steve: I didn't realize the bar was even back there. I’d thought it was going to be a crappy bar; I didn't realize it was going to be dope.

Nick: If we paid $50 for three drinks, do we still tip only $1 per drink?

Josh: I'm going to bring up the elephant in the room - is it appropriate to order wine with your burger?

Mike: I'm very picky about my American cheese. Crap. I blew my quote on American cheese!

Bonus quotes:

Steve: I'm asking the server: "Do you find this Lasso 'stache attractive?”

Halfway through our meal, the manager checked on us to make sure everything was going well and our food was cooked properly. He then offered to trade a jar of custom spice if he could get one of our t-shirts!

Mike: Guys, if we want a jar of spice, I’m willing to give up my shirt. But you’ll have to help replace it.

Wondering how a $22 burger stacks up?

RATINGS

It’s time to rate the burger.

The Precinct is a classic joint and as such, serves a classic burger. The ingredients are simple: 8 oz Prime Patty, Herb Aioli, Caramelized Onion, and American Cheese. The boardwalk fries are a nice touch in their little basket. (“Do they cook them in these little baskets?” “Um… no.”)

Whether you pair it with a cocktail, beer, or *cough* Josh *cough* a glass of Pinot Noir, this burger does not look out of place in a classy steak restaurant. Maybe it’s that fancy-schmancy JR-branded bun, but somehow when it is served to you, your first thought is not, “Really? $22?” Instead, you want simply to dig in.

Rating guesstimate: 8.3

I think one of the best compliments I can offer is that The Precinct’s burger lives up to the hype. In this case, many factors were “on the money” if you will, and our enjoyment increased as the night went on (partially because the crowd thinned out so it wasn’t so loud). But you only get to charge $22 for your burger when you’ve got a burger experience worth $22. Kudos to Jeffy-boy for getting this right. As Ted quipped, “How Jeff Ruby pulled this off is more mysterious than David Blaine reading a Sue Grafton novel at Area 51.”

Meat: 8.4

Let’s talk about the meat. First off: when the server asked us how we wanted it cooked, we were impressed that beyond the normal offerings of “Medium” and “Medium Rare”, The Precinct offers “Medium Rare Plus” (for those who can’t decide on one or the other, or for those who believe that burger preparation can be dialed in exactly — which is highly correlated with a belief in unicorns and magic beans). However, when the burger arrived, one member said, “I feel like it is missing something.” I agreed. But then looking at my meat, my burger was certainly not “Medium Rare” or even “Medium Rare Plus”. It was solidly medium well.

I hesitated to say anything, but when the server inquired as to whether our burgers were cooked appropriately, I showed her the offending meat. She agreed that God in heaven would be disappointed to see a burger that well done (my words, not hers), and off it went to the kitchen. It took about 25 minutes for the first round of burgers to get out there, and only about 4 minutes for my replacement burger to come. But when I bit into that beauty, I immediately know what had been missing: juice. My juicy new burger could generously be considered “Medium Rare Minus” or “Rare Plus”, but I wouldn’t have changed it for the world. It was delightful. The experience was not unlike riding into a seaside sunrise on a roaring lion made of down pillows. I highly recommend it. Order your next Precinct burger medium rare, and send it back if the first bite doesn’t drip juices down your chin.

Telling the chef of a $22 burger they made their burger poorly may be a challenge for you as well. But as Ted shared, “Takin’ on a challenge is a lot like riding a horse. If you’re comfortable while you’re doin’ it, you’re probably doin’ it wrong.”

Bun: 8.4

I know I’ve already mentioned the JR branded bun:

But it was perfectly toasted, stylin’ and profilin’ on that immaculate white plate, and it held up well to a burger dripping an epic amount of juice over the course of its consumption. If clothes make a man, this bun makes the burger.

Fixin’s: 7.2

Easily the weakest part of the burger. While the caramelized onions were great — complementing the burger well and adding a splash of sweet taste — the American cheese felt out of place and threatened to overwhelm the burger. Let’s be honest, American Cheese, while it melts perfectly, does not scream value. It didn’t seem to fit.

Now their herb aioli sauce, on the other hand, almost made up the difference, which is why the score in this section is 7.2 and not lower.

How good was it? Let’s just say that when a certain member’s burger was replaced by a less defiled patty, that certain member may have scraped the extra aioli sauce off the original plate onto a side plate to make sure none of it was wasted. (Did that member also scrape off their ketchup? Well, yes. But look at that cute personalized ketchup bottle in the picture above! He had emptied it entirely on that plate. How was this member supposed to know more than one ketchup was allowed per customer?)

Fries: 8.8

Now our story reverses its fortunes (away from the only rating category to fall below an 8). The fries…. mmmmmm hmmmmmm. I remember when we asked, “What kind of fries do you have?” The server answered, “Boardwalk fries.” Honestly, that meant nothing to me. It had been so long since I walked on a beach’s boardwalk that served fries. But then, when they arrived… I remembered. Transporting me back to a magical time free of cares and full of sun, those were the footloose and fancy free fries of my youth.

Why don’t more restaurants serve boardwalk fries? What are they afraid of? I’ll keep an eye out on how many burger joints serve boardwalk fries, but I fear the answer is too few. Far too few.

I’m telling you — whatever secret ingredient makes it a boardwalk fry — (hint: sugar and spice and everything nice) the world needs more of it.

Environment: 9.4

And now we come to the payoff.

You cannot sit in that bar and not feel a little bit… I don’t know… high and mighty? The class and refinement of the place rubs off on you, even if you are wearing a matching t-shirt or the remnants of a Halloween costume. The bartenders, servers, managers…. everyone treats you like you belong in a place that serves $100 entrees. But rather than being stuck up, the environment is comfortable and welcoming.

What might pass as kitschy or contrived in any other environment just… works here. Like the branded bun. The “Police Station” sign would feel like “flare” at a lesser establishment, but here it has an aura of authenticity. As the bar started to empty out, we could hear the music, more easily converse, and we felt at home. It was great.

Value: 8.0

There was a slight disagreement on this one. What is value in the eye of the beholder? The basic idea here is a 5 means you got what you paid for. How great does your burger experience have to be to warrant a $22 price tag? All I can say is that with this score, you should expect to walk away saying, “That was certainly worth it.” It is saying a lot when you could literally order 22 times as many burgers at a certain fast food establishment.

Enjoyment: 9.3

Here, I want to focus in on one particular area: Service.

I’ve mentioned how the bartender went out of her way to make sure we were seated promptly. When the burgers were served, each dainty personal ketchup bottle was adroitly opened for us. The server didn’t just take back an overcooked burger to bring back perfection on a plate, she also said nothing while a certain member proceeded to scrape multiple condiment piles off of one dish onto another.

The manager came out to make sure everything was taken care of, and rather than look down on us for our t-shirts, he asked if we would give him one (in total sincerity). We closed the place down, and rather than trying to rush us out the door, the staff seemed happy to have us stick around.

There’s a hard-to-measure side to making an experience thoroughly enjoyable. It has to do with a staff going out of their way to accommodate, acclimate, and appreciate you. (Don’t even think of stealing that — I will publish a Hospitality Industry bestseller on the strength of that trifecta of verbs)

I’m so used to good service, I wouldn’t necessarily have noticed great service if I didn’t have to blog about it and consider what lay behind my high rating. The strength of their service was in how it made you feel while you never noticed it making you feel that way. I tip my hat to everyone at The Precinct for giving us a taste of mastery in the art of hospitality.

Overall: 8.5

Well I imagine this is going to be a hard score to beat.

It’s a great place, but I can easily imagine you having a good time but not a great time. One of our members would go with colleagues to the Precinct bar who would then pick up the tab. That’s probably not the way to go. You want to have skin in the game. Invest in your experience. And don’t wander in tired, looking for distraction or staring at your phone. You have to go alert and ready to notice the details.

My recommendation? For a special occasion or date night, call ahead and reserve one of the booths in the bar area. Get a couple drinks, enjoy a juicy, juicy burger (If you are nervous about rare meat — listen to Nike and just do it! It won’t kill you… but if it does, what a way to go…). Make a night of it. You won’t regret it.

If you do regret it, send a note to Ted Lasso. He’s promised to reimburse you completely. Nice guy, that Ted.

MORE ABOUT THE PRECINCT

The Precinct’s website

The Precinct’s location

The Precinct’s menu